Forgive me internet, as it has been 16 hairstyles since I last blogged. I know it because I just went through my phone and counted them.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great things to write about, the notes section of my phone tells me so. Now I don’t actually remember writing anything, and the times that they are written have generally been between 2am and 5am, and my God are some of the titles cracking. Definitely thought provoking, hilarious, intuitive, ground breaking writing pieces, even if I do say so myself (are you going to prove otherwise?). The thing is, they’ll probably stay languishing there. It’s no surprise by the title and the last few blogs, that if you’re any good at maths and basic calendar tracking, you’ll have figured that I have a tiny human in tow now.
Illyana Robyn. My beautiful world shatterer. Who was pulled out of the sunroof into the world after a week of sheer graft in hospital. She was as dramatic as her Mom, but held back enough for me not to be completely traumatised. There is so much that I want to write about regarding trimester 2, 3 and 4, but I think I need to step out of this fog a little more to do it justice. The thing with the fog is, I don’t think you know you’ve been in it until you come out the other side, and my beautiful tiny human kicks my ass on a daily basis so I know I’m still in a form of survival mode, just a mode a little less brutal that the last, but also a little more brutal than the next (does that even make sense?).
One of the things that I know I’ve become, and it irritates me, but I can’t stop it, I just spend all day every day wanting to share pictures of my bubs, despite knowing how it felt when I didn’t have her. So this is an apology, I honestly spend every day saying, today, no pictures, but I just can’t help it. This little dude is literally me. I cannot believe she’s here. Its disbelief a lot of the times, the main thing that has got me through the fogs, has been taking a second to look at her. Those looks and sniffs are so cathartic. Just taking a second to breathe, because quite frankly, I am finding motherhood totally overwhelming, but bloody hell am I loving it. It’s this job that can destroy and raise me in equal measures, and I’m here for it.
I’ve learnt a lot about myself this last 18 months. I’m not as laid back as I like to say I am. I’m hella anxious and unfortunately, I totally care what people think of me (baby groups, there’s a blog in itself). I don’t know it all, and the art of being a blagger has never come in more useful.
I’ve still been blogging, but for TES. I’ve just about had the brain capacity to do one of their blogs a month as I am now a behaviour columnist for them. I’ve also had a piece published in their magazine about leadership and pregnancy, I actually wrote it in labour, so going back to work and concentrating seems like it could be a walk in the park. If you can check for grammar through a contraction, you can take on any difficult meeting scenario in my view (pethidine for the win… although I wouldn’t condone being high as a kite at work, I don’t care how much it takes the edge of a day).
Ok so I’ve just proof read that, and its all over the bloody place, but I write this after my little Illy-Ro has been sleeping through for the last week or so, my functionality has increased (for the time being and i’m going to take advantage, and quit frankly, right now, its the best you’re gonna get!
Sorry for the lack of witty bants, but I feel like this needed to be written so that I can start back again. Now that I’ve reset the timer on how long its been, I can go a head and try and get some good content out there.
Also thanks to all those that check in and have a read despite nothing new coming up. It’s always a madness when I see readers across the globe.
Right, normal service to resume, just after I’ve gone and stared at my girl for a ridiculous amount of time (then recoiled because I think my creepy staring has woken her up and dear God, please stay asleep.)
Laters,
N
